Aliens Ruled the Earth!

A leading evolutionary biologist has published a new theory that, he claims, proves conclusively the previous existence of alien life forms on earth.

The controversial theory has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, and several top scientists have denounced its findings. The author, Dr. Isaac N. Earnest, stands behind his work, however.

"The evidence is inescapable," said Dr. Earnest. "Human physiology alone confirms it."

Dr. Earnest, chair of the Revolutionary Thought Department of the Counter Intuition Institute (CII) in Kansas City, released his findings in a self-published pamphlet.

When asked to comment, other scientists were skeptical.

"There are other possible explanations," according to Dr. Sven Ghoulsen, of Hover University. "Though this is a rather novel approach," he added.

Dr. Earnest's original insight is shockingly simple in hindsight — indeed, his pamphlet compacts his entire theory into a mere two pages.

Evolutionary biology postulates that genetic traits that make it more likely for members of a species to survive are themselves more likely to become traits of the species itself. Thus, if giraffes with long necks are more likely to survive than giraffes with shorter necks, then, according to evolutionary biology, giraffes will have long necks.

Dr. Earnest has dedicated his career to a single, evolutionary puzzle whose solution has long eluded some of science's most brilliant minds: Why do little kids pee their pants?

" 'What is the evolutionary advantage?' I asked myself," Dr. Earnest said. "It made no sense."

The answer, Dr. Earnest said, can only be that humans instinctively evacuate their bladders under stress for the same reason that small reptiles, like frogs and toads, do: Because something has just picked them up, and they are more likely to survive if they are put down again.

"It is so simple," Dr. Earnest explained. "How does the toad species survive even next to hundreds of grubby-fingered little boys and girls? If they pick him up, he pees on them, and they put him down."

And how does this apply to humans? "It is the same for us," Dr. Earnest said. "When the aliens used to come and pick us up, we peed on them, and they put us down."

Since there is no fossil record of any creature on earth that could have picked us up and held us, Dr. Earnest added, "We can be absolutely sure the creatures were aliens."

The humans that did not have this instinct, Dr. Earnest continued, were undoubtedly taken by the aliens, most likely to the planet Xrimpalapabooey, but he refused to conjecture on what awaited them there. Through this "unnatural selection," however, did humans evolve the genetic trait of peeing their pants, he said.

Hover's Ghoulsen raised one critical objection in particular, however. "Not only is there no fossil record, but there is no record, period. These aliens did not leave a single trace — not a single utensil, or even a spare part from one of their spacecraft."

Dr. Earnest shrugged off such criticisms. "Every great theory has its skeptics at first. It is the price you pay for the truth."

However, Dr. Earnest's colleague at the CII, Dr. C. K. McMamie, agreed that Dr. Ghoulsen's observation was "potentially troubling."

"You would expect, if the earth had been visited so regularly by alien life forms, that there would be some evidence of their presence," acknowledged Dr. McMamie, a renowned expert in Holistic Science and Ante-Evolutionography (which he described as the study "preemptive evolution").

"It is far more likely," he added, "that we have evolved this critical survival mechanism in advance of a coming threat to our species. I have no doubt, none whatsoever, that aliens have not visited earth previously — but they are coming, and will be here within 100 years."

Dr. McMamie cited as further evidence for his theory the recent propagation and popularity of portable water bottles, and especially sports drinks, which, he said, he believes produce a particularly strong and unpleasant-smelling urine.

"The aliens are coming," he said, "but we will be ready for them."

1/20/02

Copyright ©2002 Matt Pfeffer