Aliens Ruled the Earth!
A leading evolutionary biologist has published a new theory that, he claims, proves
conclusively the previous existence of alien life forms on earth.
The controversial theory has sent shockwaves through the scientific community, and
several top scientists have denounced its findings. The author, Dr. Isaac N. Earnest,
stands behind his work, however.
"The evidence is inescapable," said Dr. Earnest. "Human physiology alone
Dr. Earnest, chair of the Revolutionary Thought Department of the Counter Intuition
Institute (CII) in Kansas City, released his findings in a self-published pamphlet.
When asked to comment, other scientists were skeptical.
"There are other possible explanations," according to Dr. Sven Ghoulsen, of
Hover University. "Though this is a rather novel approach," he added.
Dr. Earnest's original insight is shockingly simple in hindsight indeed, his
pamphlet compacts his entire theory into a mere two pages.
Evolutionary biology postulates that genetic traits that make it more likely for
members of a species to survive are themselves more likely to become traits of the
species itself. Thus, if giraffes with long necks are more likely to survive than
giraffes with shorter necks, then, according to evolutionary biology, giraffes will
have long necks.
Dr. Earnest has dedicated his career to a single, evolutionary puzzle whose solution
has long eluded some of science's most brilliant minds: Why do little kids pee their
" 'What is the evolutionary advantage?' I asked myself," Dr. Earnest said. "It made
The answer, Dr. Earnest said, can only be that humans instinctively evacuate their
bladders under stress for the same reason that small reptiles, like frogs and toads, do:
Because something has just picked them up, and they are more likely to survive if they
are put down again.
"It is so simple," Dr. Earnest explained. "How does the toad species survive even
next to hundreds of grubby-fingered little boys and girls? If they pick him up, he pees
on them, and they put him down."
And how does this apply to humans? "It is the same for us," Dr. Earnest said. "When
the aliens used to come and pick us up, we peed on them, and they put us down."
Since there is no fossil record of any creature on earth that could have picked us
up and held us, Dr. Earnest added, "We can be absolutely sure the creatures were
The humans that did not have this instinct, Dr. Earnest continued, were undoubtedly
taken by the aliens, most likely to the planet Xrimpalapabooey, but he refused to
conjecture on what awaited them there. Through this "unnatural selection," however,
did humans evolve the genetic trait of peeing their pants, he said.
Hover's Ghoulsen raised one critical objection in particular, however. "Not only is
there no fossil record, but there is no record, period. These aliens did not leave a
single trace not a single utensil, or even a spare part from one of their
Dr. Earnest shrugged off such criticisms. "Every great theory has its skeptics at
first. It is the price you pay for the truth."
However, Dr. Earnest's colleague at the CII, Dr. C. K. McMamie, agreed that Dr.
Ghoulsen's observation was "potentially troubling."
"You would expect, if the earth had been visited so regularly by alien life forms,
that there would be some evidence of their presence," acknowledged Dr. McMamie, a
renowned expert in Holistic Science and Ante-Evolutionography (which he described as the
study "preemptive evolution").
"It is far more likely," he added, "that we have evolved this critical survival
mechanism in advance of a coming threat to our species. I have no doubt, none
whatsoever, that aliens have not visited earth previously but they are coming,
and will be here within 100 years."
Dr. McMamie cited as further evidence for his theory the recent propagation and
popularity of portable water bottles, and especially sports drinks, which, he said,
he believes produce a particularly strong and unpleasant-smelling urine.
"The aliens are coming," he said, "but we will be ready for them."
Copyright ©2002 Matt Pfeffer