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It's a peculiarly acute frustration, losing motivation to do a thing you know you want to do. Motivation is a mysterious beast; you never know where you'll find it, or what it will make you do. And not knowing — and not being able to do anything about it — sucks.

So the past couple days have been mildly tortured. Like being on a rack, but one that's a little too small, perhaps, so that even when they tighten it all the way it becomes only "rather uncomfortable," and mostly makes you impatient. But impatience is torture, too, isn't it.

The motivation I've lost (temporarily, I do believe) is to write about and comment on these random things I come across, and, more generally, to persist in pursuing certain minor projects that, being minor as they are, aren't really taking my life anywhere it needs to be. (This is certainly not to say they're without value, however. Just that the motivation has waned.)

I haven't grown tired of any of these things (praised be), and I'm pretty sure I'll keep doing them. But I know I need to figure some things out. I'd been hoping the job market would come back at least a little this fall, but that now seems unlikely. I suspect my best recourse is to cut my losses and focus on freelancing and completing one or more more ambitious personal projects. I also need to find a new place to live, however, and not having a job or other factor to help determine where to go makes even thinking about it difficult. It's no fun, knowing you need to change your scene, but not knowing what to.

August 20, 2002 10:57 AM

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