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Bad Textism

I here reproduce, for to console myself in the face of defeat, mine own entry to the Bad Textism contest. I understand from people who claim to know such things that some of it is actually funny.

Many of its pieces are stolen directly from Textism itself, and I have linked (ever so subtly, from the relevant colons, below) to the original passages in question. The overall structure mimics Textism author Dean Allen's story of a trip into town.

If you haven't already discovered Mr. Allen's work, I heartily encourage you to do so now.

Here is my humble attempt at a (partial) distillation of it.

TEXTIST: It's the weekend. How I love the supermarket! Let's go into town.

HERSELF: Yes lets do! I need a haircut anyway.

TEXTIST: I'll get the car.

OLIVER: Quit looking at my penis.

Outside the supermarket

TEXTIST: That was easier than I thought.

FORD: Yes.

HERSELF: Fucking fuck!

TEXTIST: Hold on, we can get haircuts anyway.

Inside the supermarket

MAN: I'll have one of everything.

BOY: You smell like celery root!

LABEL: I am very badly designed.

ACTUAL MONKEYS: Fly out of Textist's butt.

Getting haircuts

HAIRCUTTER: Do you have an opinion on Serge Gainsbourg?

After getting haircuts

FORD: You didn't say you wanted to go home, too.

HERSELF: I hate you, you dumb car.

TEXTIST: I also hate you, you dumb car, but am feeling rather good about that boy's use of crisp English curses. Let's wait, maybe the car will be ready to go later.

Reading newspapers

NEW YORK TIMES: We deem ATF Garamond very fashionable these days.

TEXTIST: Oh fuck me.

GOOGLE: Feeling lucky, buddy?

On the way home

FORD: I get tired much more easily than I used to. I must rest a little.

HERSELF: We're on a hill!

TEXTIST: Do not measure distance in kilometers; use gila monsters instead.

FORD: Meh.

TEXTIST: Fucking fuck!

KIND LADY IN RENAULT: (pulling over) Have you smacked a usability expert today?

Home at last

CHORUS: Outside, past the garden, past the compost, past the unused field, the car's grave, for now, an inescapable beacon.


February 28, 2002 12:49 PM

Comments (and TrackBacks)

Excellent. *heartily applauds.*

*wonders whether that should have been "applauds heartily"*

Posted by G on March 4, 2002 11:25 AM

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Copyright ©2001-2003 Matt Pfeffer


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